A New “Contract” For The Sheeple
Since it is becoming more apparent than ever that the majority of Americans have no use whatsoever for the rights guaranteed them under the Constitution, it’s time to drop any pretense that said rights have any real meaning at all. I hereby propose that the State quit insulting our collective intelligence (what little there is of it) and enter into a new “contract” (or “compact”, if you prefer) with the sheeplery. For the sheeplery, this contract will be “voluntary” at first, but as with the federal income tax, will eventually become mandatory under pain of imprisonment or worse. Given the sheeple’s non-existent attention spans and their aversion to reading anything other than comic strips or tabloids, the new contract will be as short, sweet, and to the point as can be. Individuals unfamiliar with the “legalese” taught in High School Civics 001 can ask an employee of one of their myriad local government bureaucracies for assistance in translation. Anyway, here is my proposed agreement:
I, [state full name here], do hereby immediately and fully cede to the City/County government of [name state or county here], the government of the State/Commonwealth of [insert home state name here] and the government of the United States of America all rights and privileges formerly guaranteed to me under the Constitution of the United States of America and the Constitution of the State/Commonwealth of [insert home state name here], both of which are hereby, forthwith, and in full superseded and rendered null and void by this contract.
In signing this contract I, [state full name here] agree to allow the appropriate government agency (the decision as to which agency is “appropriate” being the exclusive decision of that agency taking the specific action) to take whatever actions it may deem appropriate, either on my behalf or against me, as being in the public interest, for the public good, or for my own good. Such actions include, but are by no means limited to, the following:
- Withholding as taxes whatever percentage of my income and earnings the State deems necessary, whether the amount be zero, all, or any amount in between
- Permitting or denying my choice of residence
- Mandating my place of residence
- Seizing my residence under the principle of Eminent Domain
- Seizing my personal property under the principle of asset forfeiture or simply for the good of the State or the public as the State deems necessary
- Seizing my children and designating them as wards of the State
- Permitting or prohibiting the exercise of my religious beliefs
- Mandating that I practice a certain religion, or none at all if the State prefers it over all others
- Permitting or denying my employment in a certain profession, depending on the State’s evaluation of said profession as either necessary to the nation’s economic well-being or harmful to it
- Granting the State absolute control over my diet, hygiene, exercise habits, medication regimen, sexual behavior, and other personal or bodily habits
- Compelling me to surrender all privately-owned weapons, or whatever objects not currently considered “weapons” but which may be designated as such at any time by the State
- Designating those individuals with whom I may and may not socialize, based on whatever criteria the State may impose
- Conscripting me into the armed forces of the
at any time, for any length of time deemed necessary by the State, and for whatever purposes the State deems appropriate United States
- Banning my participation in any and all “political” activity under pain of whatever punishment the State may choose to impose
In return for complying with the above provisions, as well as any other that the State may choose to impose or revoke at any point in the future, I, [state full name here], understand that the State shall, to the best of its ability, guarantee me the right to food, clothing and shelter, and those elements adequate for survival and that the actions to secure these essentials that were previously the responsibility of the individual shall hereby devolve upon the State, to the extent that I fully comply with the State’s directives, both those outlined above and any that the State sees fit to impose at any point in the future.
Signed and witnessed hereby at [insert location of signature here] on this date [insert date here].