If Jesus Had Been Born Today
My Pastor started off this morning’s message with an intriguing (and humorous) piece on how the Birth of Jesus might be reported in a typical mainstream newspaper if the Nativity had occurred in today’s world, particularly today’s America. (By the way, check out his blog, which you’ll especially love if you’re a Harley Rider). I don’t know if this is original or if he found it somewhere else (I didn’t get a chance to ask him, so if he did find this, I’ll post attribution as a follow-up), but it’s one of those things that I’d file under “funny, but too true to be really funny.”
INFANT DISCOVERED IN BETHLEHEM BARN, CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held on Charges of Child Endangerment, Statutory Rape
Bethlehem, Judea (Late Edition) - Authorities were alerted today by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a local barn. Upon arrival Family Protective Services personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child identified only as “Jesus” who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year-old mother, identified as Mary of Nazareth.
During the incident a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers from performing their duties. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by police.
Also being held for questioning are three foreigners, alleged to be “wise men” from an eastern nation. Officials from the INS and Department of Homeland Security are seeking information about these individuals who appear to be in the country illegally. A source within the INS stated that they had no passports in their possession, but did have in their possession large quantities of gold and other possibly illegal or controlled substances. The men resisted arrest, stating that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own countries. The chemical substances in their possession have not been identified and will undergo further testing.
The owner of the barn in which the family was found residing will also be held for questioning. The manager of the Bethlehem Inn, adjacent to the barn, faces possible revocation of his innkeeper’s license for violation of a number of health and safety ordinances in that he allowed guests to stay in the stable. Municipal authorities are also certain that zoning violations have occurred, since both the barn owner and the owner of the inn have maintained livestock in a commercial district not zoned for the housing of livestock.
Officials have refused to name the location at which the minor child is being held and the prospect for a timely resolution of the situation is doubtful. When asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Services spokesperson stated “The father is a middle-aged man and the mother is definitely underage. We are currently checking with police in Nazareth to determine exactly what the nature of their relationship is.”
Joseph, the baby’s alleged father, has admitted to taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a requirement to register for a census in Bethlehem, his ancestral home town. However, because she was obviously pregnant when the left Nazareth, investigators are looking into other possible reasons for their departure from that town. Joseph is currently being held in the Bethlehem Municipal Detention Center without bond on several charges, among them kidnapping, statutory rape, and child endangerment.
Mary, the baby’s mother, was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is currently being examined by doctors, according to a police spokesperson, who said that she too may face child endangerment charges. Additionally, she will undergo psychiatric evaluation following her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is “from God.” The director of the hospital’s psychiatric services told reporters, “I don’t profess to have the right to tell people what to believe or not to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others –in this case her innocent child—we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn’t help her case either. Still, I’m confident that with proper therapy we can get her back on her feet.”
A spokesperson for the governor’s office said “Who knows what was going through their minds? Regardless, their treatment of the child was absolutely inexcusable and the involvement of these other individuals is a frightening thing. There is so much that we don’t know about this case, but for the sake of the infant and the public at large, the community can rest assured that we will pursue this matter to the end, no matter what it takes to find the truth.”