Things You Have to Believe to be a Republican
This has been around for a while, but I'm reposting it here for the benefit of those who may still think that the Gang of Plunderers has a place for people with reasonable minds.
- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
United Statesshould get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is forcing greater U.N. participation in governing . Iraq
- Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of terminal illness.
- “Standing Tall for
America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to Indiaand . China
- A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
- Jesus loves you, and he shares your intense hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
- Supporting the troops means praising them in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay and extending indefinitely their tours of duty in a combat zone.
- Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of
as a Republican, in which case they’re nobody’s business. California
- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
- A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money when the going gets tough.
- The best way to prevent terrorism by winning the hearts and minds of the Islamic nations is to invade them, murder huge numbers of Muslim women and children, and impose a secular government.
- HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart, which is why they deserve special legislation to protect them from market competition.
- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound public policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
- Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
- Saddam Hussein was a good guy when Ronald Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Daddy Bush made war on him, a good guy when Dick Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Baby Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
- A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die needlessly is solid defense policy.
- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages, censoring the Internet, and providing subsidized prescription drugs to politically active senior citizens.
- The public has a right to know about Hillary Rodham Clinton’s cattle trades, but Baby Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
- You support states’ rights, which means that a Republican Attorney General tells states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
- What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Baby Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.
- Trade with
Cubais wrong because that country is communist, but trade with Chinaand is vital to a spirit of international harmony. Vietnam
- The best way to eliminate extra-constitutional federal agencies is to increase their funding and expand their missions.